Human: (surprised) Hey that is what you are.

Big Bouv: YES I AM A BOUVIER, BUT WHEN ALL BOUVS ARE PUPS, OUR MUMS TELL US THIS STORY. SO IF YOU WILL JUST SETTLE DOWN AND CLOSE YOUR EYES... IT HAPPENED A

LONG TIME AGO, IN A VERY FAR AWAY LAND.

Human: How far away?

Big Bouv: A VERY FAR AWAY LAND, NOW LISTEN, OK?

Human: Ok.

Big Bouv: (QUIETLY AND SOFTLY) THERE WAS THIS VERY RICH FAMILY THAT EVERYBODY ENVIED AND THEY HAD A DAUGHTER. SHE WAS A VERY BEAUTIFUL BITCH

Censor: (from out of nowhere) Watch that language!

Big Bouv: (surprised) WHO SAID THAT?

Censor: (from out of nowhere) I did!

Big Bouv: (still surprised) WHO ARE YOU?

Censor: (from out of nowhere) I am the censor of this story.

Big Bouv: WHAT THE He#@ IS A CENSOR?

Censor: (from out of nowhere) I rate your story, dog and watch your language.

Big Bouv (getting upset) RIGHT! WAIT A MINUTE, I AM NOT A DOG I AM A BOUVIER DES FLANDRES!

Censor: (from out of nowhere) Whatever…. And I am not a guy, dog. I am a lady.

Big Bouv: (upset & cutting in) WHATEVER! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT A BOUV IS?

Censor: (from out of nowhere) That is not my job, my job is to rate your story.

Big Bouv: (still upset) RATE MY STORY? YOU NEVER HEARD IT! HOW CAN YOU RATE MY STORY WHEN YOU HAVEN’T HEARD IT?

Censor: (from out of nowhere) That’s my job. So go ahead and tell it.

Big Bouv: WHERE ARE YOU ANYWAY? I WANT TO SEE YOU.

Censor: (from out of nowhere) We are everywhere and you can’t see us.

Big Bouv: YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THERE ARE MORE THAN ONE OF YOU.

Censor: (from out of nowhere) Yes, you could say that.

Big Bouv: MY HOUNDS… THEY’RE LIKE HUMANS? AND WHAT DID I SAY ANYWAY?

Human: You know darn well what you said. Do you want us to get in trouble?

Big Bouv: WHY WOULD WE GET IN TROUBLE?

Human: You can’t say things like that.

Big Bouv: SAY THINGS LIKE WHAT?

Human: You know, call that girl the B word.

Big Bouv: YOU MEAN BITCH?

Censor: (from out of nowhere) I am warning you…

Big Bouv: WELL SHE IS.

Human: I told you so Big Bouv. Now you’re in trouble. You got the censors listening now.

Censor: (from out of nowhere) You’re about to lose your G rating!

Big Bouv: (confused) WHAT THE HECK IS A RATING?

Human: It says who should listen to the story.

Big Bouv: HUH, WHY DO THAT?

Human: To protect the unprotected I guess.

Big Bouv: FROM WHAT?

Human: From what the censors don’t think they should hear.

Big Bouv: Who died and put them in charge.

Human: Well Congress tried...

Censor: (from out of nowhere) What does this have to do with the story?

Big Bouv: WHERE DID SHE COME FROM?

Human: Who knows but they’re always watching and listening.

Big Bouv: BUT BITCH, JUST MEANS A FEMALE DOG.

Human: Oh, female huh?

Big Bouv: YES A BITCH IS A FEMALE CANINE. LOOK IT UP SMART ONE! YOU TOO CENSOR!

Human: Ok, let me get this straight, all female dogs are bitches?

Big Bouv: NO, DOGS ARE MALES.

Human: Hold it right there, you said females are bitches,

Big Bouv: RIGHT.

Human: Then why did you say, and I quote "NO"?

Big Bouv: NO? OH, YOU USED TWO DIFFERENT TERMS TOGETHER.

Human: What are you talking about? Let’s try this a different way. What do you call males in your world?

Big Bouv: A dog!

Human: Ok! Lets see... all females are bitches and males are dogs, right?

Big Bouv: YES, BUT SOME ARE ALTERED.

Human: Now what are you talking about?

Big Bouv: WELL THEY GET FIXED.

Human: What? They get fixed? What was wrong with them? Oh that kind of fixed. Why would they do that? Looking behind comets or something dog?

Big Bouv: LET’S NOT TALK ABOUT THAT OK?

Human: What the fixed ones?

Big Bouv: OOH THAT HURTS THINKING ABOUT IT.

Human: So don’t.

Big Bouv: DON’T WHAT?

Human: Think about it.

Big Bouv: QUIET! NOW ON WITH THE STORY.

Human: What story? …

Big Bouv: THE ONE ABOUT THE BITCH, THE BEAUTIFUL BITCH….

Censor: (from out of nowhere) Do we have to go through this again?

Human: I know one, but she is not beautiful, and she thinks she knows it all, and tells everybody.

Big Bouv: STOP!!!!! I AM TELLING THE STORY NOW PLEASE LAY DOWN AND LISTEN, MAYBE YOU’LL EVEN SEE HER LIKE I DID WHEN I WAS SMALL….

Human: The one I am talking about, I don’t want to see.

Big Bouv: BE QUIET AND LISTEN.

Human: Ok.

Big Bouv: SHE WAS THE PRETTIEST BITCH, UUUHH GIRL, IN THE ENTIRE KINGDOM.

Human: Dog, you don’t have kingdoms.

Big Bouv: IT’S MY STORY AND WE DO. NOW LISTEN AND STOP INTERRUPTING, SHE WOULD HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE LOCAL MALES BECAUSE SHE WAS WAITING FOR HER HANDSOME STUD TO COME ALONG.

Human: OH like me?

Big Bouv: I SAID HANDSOME BIPED, AND A STUD YOU’RE NOT.

Human: Oh I beg to differ.

Big Bouv: BEG ALL YOU WANT, A TWO-BY-FOUR IS MORE A STUD THAN YOU’LL EVER BE, AND YOU’RE DIFFERENT ALL RIGHT. NOW LISTEN UP OR CATCH A STUD ALONGSIDE YOUR DENSE HEAD, OK!

Human: Yeah.

Big Bouv: NO MATTER HOW MANY TREATS SHE FOUND ON HER PILLOW,

Human: (Interrupting) you mean like chocolates?

Big Bouv: (EXASPERATED) NO, YES, NO! NEVER MIND! WHERE WAS I? OH YEA, NO MATTER HOW MANY TREATS SHE FOUND ON HER PILLOW, AND HOW MANY MEATY BONES IN HER YARD.

Human: Hey, why is she finding bones in her yard? Don’t they have garbage pick-up?

Big Bouv: THEY’RE TREATS BIPED, TREATS.

Human: But you already said treats on her pillow, now you got bones in the yard and they’re treats too. You sure you didn’t fall asleep when your mum told you this story.

Big Bouv: LISTEN KID, THEY WERE GIFTS LEFT BY THE SUITORS

Human: (interrupting) God, now you have dogs wearing suits. What is this a nightmare?

Big Bouv: I WILL IGNORE THAT AND CONTINUE IF YOU DON’T MIND

Human: Would it matter?

Big Bouv: NO, NOT REALLY. SHE WAS WAITING FOR HER HANDSOME STUD TO ARRIVE AND TAKE HER BY THE LEASH.

Censor: (from out of nowhere) I think you should watch where this story is going.

Human: Oh, No, now we’re in big trouble…

Big Bouv: WHY ARE WE IN TROUBLE?

Human: Just think about it! Women’s lib, sexual harassment, S & M, all that stuff, you canine chauvinist pervert.

Big Bouv: HOW DO YOU GET THAT OUT OF THIS STORY, PRAY TELL. AND WATCH WHAT YOU CALL ME.

Human: Hey ask a lawyer, he’ll tell you. They can find a way, just look! You just put a leash on this bitch, uuuh, female and are dragging her away. If that isn’t cause I don’t know what is.

Big Bouv: WAIT! STOP! STOP! THIS IS A DOG STORY AND THINGS LIKE THAT HAPPEN IN THEM

Human: Not ours, and if they did they would have to be re-written.

Big Bouv: WHAT IS HE SUPPOSED TO DO THEN?

Human: How does groveling sound to you, giving them everything they want, gifts, attention, no sports on television. They like that.

Big Bouv: (INTERRUPTING) YOU BEEN WATCHING TOO MANY "OPRAH" OR "LIFETIME" SHOWS HUMAN.

Human: No really that’s what they like.

Big Bouv: FORGET IT! HE IS THE HERO.

Human: I know, I know, long hair blowing in the wind.

Big Bouv: YOU CAN SEE HIM CAN’T YOU? THAT IS HIS BEARD.

Human: No I was seeing a book near the check out line at the grocery store.

Big Bouv: OH THEM LOVE BOOKS HUH?

Human: Yeah! There is this one, something about a cat and a dog named Buddy and a guy named Bill in it.

Big Bouv: HEY I WANT TO TELL MY STORY, AND YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE SLEEPING REMEMBER?

Human: I am not tired so why should I sleep.

Big Bouv: BECAUSE I WANT TO GO TO SLEEP.

Human: So go to sleep!

Big Bouv: JUST CLOSE YOU EYES AND LISTEN TO MY STORY.

Human: Ok, but is there any car chasing in it?

Big Bouv: WHAT, CAR CHASING? WE DON’T CHASE CARS, WE DRIVE THEM. WELL NOT IN THIS STORY ANYWAY.

Human: Why not, you wear suits.

Big Bouv: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE WEAR SUITS.

Human: Come on now, you said and I quote "the suitors."

Big Bouv: THAT MEANS HER BEAUX.

Human: You mean she just got back from the groomer?

Big Bouv: WHAT GROOMER? I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT A GROOMER.

Human: Then if there is no groomer in the story where did she get the bows, by the way you misspelled it.

Big Bouv: FIRST I DIDN’T MISSPELL IT. SECOND I WANT YOU TO STOP INTERRUPTING, AND THIRD A BEAUX MEANS "A FOP, A DANDY."

Human: You’re now telling me that this stud (?) is a flop? Boy that is just dandy. What kind of story are you trying to make known, oh dog friend of mine?

Big Bouv: LOOK I AM GOING TO SAY THIS REAL SLOW SO YOU MIGHT UNDERSTAND, OK? A BEAUX IS A FOP, A LOVER, A DANDY. NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

Human: You’re trying to tell me, this bow is a flop of a lover boy. That is just dandy isn’t it, dog.

Big Bouv: WHAT IS JUST DANDY HUMAN?

Human: Dog, a bow is made out of ribbon. Besides how is a ribbon going to be her stud? Is this going to get kinky?

Censor: (from out of nowhere) Ok boys you’re on real thin ice here.

Big Bouv: THAT IS NOT WHAT I SAID AND WILL YOU PLEASE STOP INTERRUPTING?

Human: I am just trying to understand what the heck you are saying about this female.

Like how did she get this ribbon?

Big Bouv: WHAT RIBBON?

Human: This bow you’re talking about. How did she get it?

Big Bouv: HER FAMILY PAID FOR HIM. REMEMBER, HE IS A STUD.

Human: Sounds a little kinky to me dog. Her family goes out and gets this ribbon and pays it to be her lover. You know what that sounds like to me? This whole family needs

counseling. You know, a check up from the neck up.

Big Bouv: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT NOW?

Human: A dysfunctional family. They need help. They need a good shrink.

Big Bouv: WHAT ARE YOU RAMBLING ABOUT NOW?

Human: I think they call it solicitation.

Big Bouv: WHAT IN THE WORLD?

Human: You can go to jail for that if you’re human.

Big Bouv: GO TO JAIL FOR WHAT?

Human: Selling your daughter.