| When the autumn rains came, you went away. And my grief was
inconsolable.
We spent the hours of your last day chasing rabbits, and you, eating chocolate
kisses, and the chocolate chip cookies which "The Mom" had made with loving
care. I built for you in your last hours, the first fire of the season, in our fireplace,
and we "visited" on the carpet before it; you mostly staying to your fluffed-up
grey comforter. Then Kate came home and we three, JUST THE THREE OF US, spent those
precious final hours crying, and then bravely alternating to cheerful bonks and ruffles,
but all the while saying goodbye. And you, this prince, this King, stoic to the end,
licked our faces goodbye, pawed us numerous FIVES goodbye... and then at the very end when
the vet was there, and just before your eyes glazed over, your left eye caught mine, one
last time, saying "goodbye Dad", and you were gone. And I... I will never
be the same...an absence so large exists in me that the tears of my lifetime will never
fill it.
My friend, I will miss you more than these words can ever say. Tears well up
again, and again, in my eyes, and I, and The Mom, the other remainder of THE
THREE OF US, are left with great gaping holes in the fabric of our beings. Mr.
Bonk, Mr. Bouv, oh how I will miss you, and oh how I thank you for the times of my
life. I praise you, and I sing of you. And I cry. You are a good friend of mine, and I
shall not forget you, less I have forgotten myself completely.
And, after you left to make your convoluted journey to the crematorium, the sun
broke through, and I saw this as a good sign. Helping you to end your pain was all that I
could endure. Holding your shaggy head, rubbing noses and whispering I love you, and to go
to sleep, and to go to the light, were but all that we could do. I know you will find your
way for I have invoked the assistance of the Great Ones for you on your journey. And, I
pray in these dim hours of the late twentieth century, that we will meet again: THE THREE
OF US...to go a rambling again in the company of eternal friends. Tonight your bed is made
and "clean", in case you feel like stopping in. We will leave it for at least 3
days, along with your water dish, a cookie, and things to let you know you are welcome
always... might you want to stop bye. And when these things are gone, you can pick any ole
place on the carpet, couch, or bed, to lay your shining head.
Mr. Bonk, Ohhhh The Bonker, the brave Bouv, The
FAMOUS Bouv, The Bouv of myth and legend...I do love you. And
what a good friend you are. I cannot measure my grief, my love, my loss...or my
immeasurable gain from knowing you. Nor can I wrap my mind around this gaping
absence...the Prince of Lindholm Road, Crown Prince of Nature, the shadow at my feet, at
my back, my guardian, my life friend. Oh how my heart breaks. And oh how proud I am to
have known you. Charlie Bear Silverheels, Treewalker, Gunnlaugson, Joy...Chief Thunderpaws
..CHARLIE BEAR..."Oh Charlie Bearrrr, you’re always there , you’re
always theeeere, Charlie Bear..." I sing again of you, even as my heart
breaks
Before my numbed inward eye there exists a great noble shaggy head, a soft furry
bear with big liquid browns, who has a unique roll of eye whites, a bouvier shrug, a
tapping at the door, a low pitched mmmm, a contented drawn out snoring sigh, a
gentle pink tongue, soft soft ears, big hugs, a pawing foot, poker legs, and who is an
ever present attendant shadow. The subtle nuances of you I record here now, that I might
not ever forget you my friend...and in so doing I find myself and my description
incredibly inadequate. And, on this last day together, for reasons I cannot know, after
breaking my keychain opening the door, I lost the keys to my own home, inside the house.
"Oh the boy, ohhh the Boy, ohhhh the boy, the boy..." The bravery
you have shown will make me forever brave, and only with that, is this veil of tears
bearable my friend "Mr. Bear." Goodbye until we meet again, and then it
will be a long awaited hello..
CHARLIE BEAR SILVERHEELS: 10 AND 5/12 YEARS YOUNG, GRADUATED SEPTEMBER 26, 1997, 4.10
P.M. WESTCOAST TIME IN THE PRESENCE OF HIS VERY PROUD MOM AND DAD.. "THEY DON’T
COME ANY BETTER"
* * *
And, still later, when sleepless nights had numbed my brain, when time had become
meaningless, and the silence of the darkness stretched infinitely long... when the
snatches of memory I replayed through my choked grief had suddenly stilled...then, in the
middle of the 3rd night a still voice called...no, more like announced me, with simple
clarity; a voice which cut through the stillness and the muddle of my mind with a single,
crystal clear word. And it left me startled and then puzzled, and finally as comprehension
dawned, I t left me joyful. The voice in it’s single articulation had seemed like
that of a young man I once knew, a young man named Shad... and it had simply uttered one
word in a happy almost proud way. It, you , had said Dad.
And then yet later, after I had shared the story of the voice with The Mom,
she in turn had been awoken from a fitful sleep in her mostly sleepless nights, to see at
the side of the bed where you always slept, where your fluffed comforter still lay, the
movement of a glowing light in the air. And she gazed at it while it moved in a slow
circle where you would lie, and then, after completing this movement, it rose slightly and
expanded into a glowing luminous ball which then faded slowly into the darkness. And, she
says there was a single word which she also heard when she saw this, but after falling to
sleep and later reawakening, she could not remember it. But I know what you said, and in
the language of numerous words, it has but one meaning, and that meaning is love.
And that, my big friend, is what we feel so mightily for you, and is why we are so sad,
and yet so proud to have known you. Still, our ears strain for the sounds not heard, and
at times the hair on my neck rises, and I feel your subtle presence again with me.
And even later, on the 4th weekly anniversary of your going away, of your
graduation...on that day did I take the urn which has been left for the spirit dog
to guard, at the head of his comforter, and I began to sprinkle your ashes over all the
places that you frequented around our ole place, inside and out, until I was covered in a
fine ashen dust, and you were everywhere. And still the urn was full. And while I
performed this act, I talked constantly to you, and made more memories while I remembered
the many places you sat, and watched, or talked, or wandered ,or accompanied me in the
many years of our time together here. And I will take little bits of these ashes to your
other special spots, so that you will always be in those places you loved the best. And
then, I will cry again, as I do now....but one day, when I do, it will be a happy sad, and
perhaps by then we will have found the new Dali Lama.
|
Tributes
